From the Notes of Dr Usanagi
by dangerousdame
Summary: The karma system is hard for a self-aware Courier to explain to her psychiatrist. It almost sounds sociopathic...


**Excerpt One**

Performed the psychological evaluations, as previously requested by Ms. Stark for her companions. No surprising results. Nightkin are known for being schizophrenic, and the others showed the normal range of neuroses, with one strong case of PTSD. Attached to these notes are copies of my reports, summaries having been given to Ms. Stark.

Ms. Stark seemed surprisingly uninterested in the reports she had specifically requested. When I attempted to tell her my diagnoses, she instead demanded my evaluations in their crudest possible form- good or evil. I attempted to tell her I don't think of patients in those terms, but she persisted. I gave her the best answer I could- that none of her friends were what I would call evil. She seemed satisfied at that.

When I asked if she wold be wanting her own evaluation, I received a somewhat confusing reply.

"I know what I am, doctor. I've been keeping track."

There are times when I must remind myself of all the good that Susan Stark has brought to the wasteland. Despite that, her manner is often surprisingly cold.

**Excerpt Two**

Ms. Stark is nothing if not full of surprises. I had expected her to be back for another strength implant, but instead, she seems to have seriously thought about my suggestion last week. She offered to pay for regular sessions with me, and I was able to fit her into today's schedule for an introductory one (a miracle in and of itself- I'm usually unable to fit in anyone without a week's notice, but several of my regulars failed to appear today.)

As usual, full transcripts are attached. I've taken the liberty of copying passages which, upon review, catch my attention.

SS: You're sitting where I can't see you, doctor.

DU: Does that bother you?

SS: And you record instead of taking notes. Must be a Freudian. [Laughter.] Doesn't really matter- I guess the old man wasn't wrong about everything. I'll trust you to know what you're doing.

DU: What do you think about that, Susan?

SS: About what?

DU: Trusting me.

SS: Don't really think anything about it. I know enough psychology to tell if you fuck up. I even know that multiple personalities only tend to show up when doctors suggest them to patients. Not too mad at Dr. Henry, though- there was never much hope of curing Lily to begin with.

Ms. Stark Susan seems very aware of her own intelligence, sometimes to the point of arrogance. Possible tie-in with her previous statement, "keeping track" of who she is? Seemed reluctant to go into detail on anything; will do my best to help her relax better in the future.

**Excerpt Three**

It has been nearly a month since I began to see Susan, and I now realize I have acted in a highly unprofessional manner. Rather than helping her with her problems, I tried to pretend they didn't exist. I did not want to think it about the messiah of the wastes, but it isn't helping her to deny it- Susan suffers from delusions, and possible religious mania. On tests, she shows no signs of schizophrenia, and has never been diagnosed before (though in a wasteland with little access to professional care, perhaps that isn't surprising.)

Reviewing the transcripts from my sessions with her, I am struck by her seeming knowledge of psychology, combined with her delusions. At times I wondered if she was faking symptoms to mock me; an unkind thought to have about any patient, especially one like Susan. No, I shouldn't write about her like that- I can't hold any patient in such high regard. It won't help her get better, and will only interfere with the process.

I tried to ask her more about her visions today. Susan seemed more willing to talk than usual.

SS: I'm pretty sure I'm sane. Your boy Freud said that sanity means being able to work and love- you know I work, and I've loved a little in my time. Seeing things doesn't make any difference.

DU: If you don't mind, I'd like to talk a little more about what you see.

SS: God. The devil. The usual tell-tale heart stuff. It started after Doc Mitchell woke me up; scared me at first, but in the long run, it's made things simpler.

DU: Simpler how?

SS: [Pause] I'm not sure if I should tell you yet. But they help me keep track of things.

Again, a return to the theme of keeping track of her life. Susan rejected the suggestion of medication; as it is, I can't force her to take any. Especially when she's told me so little about her actual problems.

**Excerpt Four**

I have to be honest with myself- I don't like meeting with Susan. I've met with much more problematic patients, when I try think about it rationally. I've known raiders, rangers, and soldiers- plenty of killers. The things she reports doing aren't unusual among wasteland figures, but I wish there was another doctor I could transfer her too. Having a hostile doctor is one of the worst things a patient can experience; as it is, I do my best to remain neutral.

I'm not hostile, though. Not really. I still admire what she's done, and I'm glad to have her on our side. Maybe I just wish I hadn't started to get to know her.

More talk about her visions today, and even less restraint on her part. I hope my discomfort never shows.

DU: What do god and the devil look like?

SS: You'd laugh if I told you.

DU: Why do you think I would do that?

SS: Because they both look like Vault Boy. [Pause.] I know I'd find it funny if someone told me. It really confused me for a while, before I realized I wasn't really being haunted by deities. They're just symbols.

DU: Symbols of what?

SS: Good and evil. I didn't use to care that much- about morality, I mean. But then I started seeing those things when I killed people, telling me if I should have or shouldn't have. Or when I stole something, or gave to a beggar. My actions swung me one way or another on the great wheel of karma, and once I could see my actions spelled out in front of me, everything became clear. I decided to be good.

DU: Go on. How did you want to be good?

SS: By killing the right people.

Susan was silent for the rest of the session. Although I swore to myself I wouldn't, I will be calling in a few favors and seeing if the NCR has any reports of her causing disturbances.

**Excerpt Five**

The NCR has nothing on her. Nothing criminal, anyway. She performed excellent bounty hunter work for them, as well as expert interrogation of a captured Legion spy. It's not just the NCR, no one has anything bad to say about her- not the Followers, not the Kings, not even the regular citizens of New Vegas. The only reports I have of her killing anyone come with near universal approval. Benny Gecko, Mortimer of the White Gloves, Pacer of the Kings...

The only people who wouldn't have approved of her killing them don't have much to say about it.

I'm not sure if I should keep copying parts of Susan's transcripts. If anyone found these notes, they cold be used to discredit her work for New Vegas. Still, having multiple copies them makes me feel a little safer. Another uncharitable thought on my part.

SS: You haven't asked me about the killings yet.

DU: Do you want to talk about them?

SS: Whatever.

DU: You don't have to-

SS: Nah, it's fine. I'm not ashamed. It's not like I'm the Pint Sized Slasher reborn or anything. I don't go around killing people for no reason.

DU: You do have a reason, then.

SS: I told you last time, it gives me good karma. Gives me points, too.

DU: Points?

SS: Experience. Makes me stronger. Every time I finish a job, I get more points. I get better at things, kind of like with those implants you give me. Killing people does that, too. Well, so does killing molerats, but people are worth more.

DU: Are evil people worth more than good people?

SS: Maybe, but I don't think so. The karma thing seems separate. It's just generally a good idea to kill the evil ones; everyone respects you for it afterwards, and they're not the sort of people who make you lose sleep worrying about the poor widows and orphans they leave behind.

Sometimes I retreat to the idea that Susan is making up stories to mock me. It's a comforting thought.

**Excerpt Six**

I won't be seeing Susan again- at least, not for therapy. My personal feelings have started to seriously impact how I interact with her during treatment, and I'm not even sure she wants to be cured of her delusions. She took my termination of our sessions with good grace. Maybe that's not too surprising, seeing that she never stated any goals for therapy in the first place. Perhaps she found it amusing.

For what it's worth, I've copied excerpts from our last session. She promised she wouldn't hurt me, but just in case- maybe Arcade will find this and know what to do. I wish my mind wouldn't go to such morbid places, but here it is anyway.

DU: How do you know if people are good or evil before you kill them?

SS: I don't. That's the hard part; I mostly have to guess. Legion soldiers are always safe bets- just go out hunting, bring back a few of their helmets, and bang, you've got yourself a karma boost and points to go along with it. Other people are trickier to figure out- you can make up for lost karma if you kill someone innocent, but the process is a bitch. That's why I keep a list.

DU: What sort of list?

SS: All the people I suspect of being evil. I investigate them in my spare time. Cachino's not looking too good right now, but you didn't hear that from me. [Laughter.]

DU: You think this is funny?

SS: Not funny like a joke. Maybe funny like strange. It does seem a little crazy, but Doc Mitchell said I didn't have any brain damage after I got shot. If I started seeing things, it's not because of busted brain cells.

DU: Susan-

SS: I like you, doctor.

DU: So you'll kill me last?

SS: So I won't kill you at all if I don't have to. You seem like a good person. Why should I try to take you out?

DU: I know who you are.

SS: So? Tell it to the world for all I care. "Susan Stark kills rapists and murderers!" My sniper goes hunting with me all the time- for all I know, he sees the points too. People love what I do, so what if I'm a little mercenary about it?

DU: They don't think you're crazy.

SS: Tell them that, too. Tell them I talk to god- it worked for Caesar. Maybe I'll get enough groupies to start an army and make them wear stupid outfits, too.

I can't excuse my behavior in our last session; I really was hostile, and didn't bother to hide it. If Susan Stark is ever going to get better, she'll need a doctor better at reserving judgement. If we don't all get trampled by the Legion, she's likely to be the next leader of New Vegas- for all our sakes, I hope she wants to get better.

I've informed all my other clients that I'll be taking the next month off. That courier tired me out more than I like to admit, and I need to pull myself together. I had to kill a charging mantis the other day, and I could have sworn I wondered how many points it was worth...


End file.
